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I sat outside in the pouring monsoon rain, smoking an ultra-lite cigaratte, getting wet and thinking about how it’s been over a year since I’ve written. It’s not that I’ve stopped writing…I’ve just stopped blogging.

There are various reasons for that, but the good news is that I am back.

Writing.

Please hold me accountable.

i’m Back

Friends.
It’s been a long time.

Farewell to a Beloved Friend

And just like that, there’s something BIG to write about.

And this is very sad.

Shortly after writing my last post, I was online chatting with my aunt in Arizona. After catching up, she told me news that temporarily stopped my heart:

There was something wrong with Dale.

He had been perfectly fine until the weekend, when suddenly he was acting lethargic and not eating. Then he puked a few times, so they figured it must’ve been something outside that he had eaten. They decided to keep an eye on him.

But he was not acting like himself, so they decided to take him in to the vet. We all hoped and prayed it was something small, if anything.

Monday morning my uncle brought Dale to the vet. He perked up, and the vet couldn’t find anything obviously wrong with him, but they decided to run some blood tests to see if anything turned up. He promised to keep in touch. I told him to let me know  if things got worse and to tell Dale I loved him. I started looking into flights, just in case.

I was incredibly worried, hoping for the best but fearing bad news. The next day my uncle reported the results of the blood tests: lots of different levels were elevated, but it could be a bunch of different factors. Would I like to run more tests? Perhaps an X-ray or ultrasound? My uncle hesitated and bought Dale some chicken, which he ate, along with some pain pills the vet had prescribed. He called me and said that things seemed to be looking up and they’d “wait and see” for a couple days.

I asked him to fax the vet info to my vet in Portland.

Later Tuesday evening I heard back from my regular vet. She said that further tests needed to be run to pinpoint exactly what was causing the problem, but she did say that the elevated enzyme levels pointed to a liver problem. Through tears I asked what, if anything, could we do? And she told me that she had “just been through it” and that if I wanted to see Dale again, I should get down to Arizona as soon as possible.

I felt that I needed to be there with him, helping him out, keeping an eye on him. Though my aunt and uncle were doing a fabulous time of taking care of him and he was being pampered, it wasn’t there responsibility to take care of a sick dog. Worse, my aunt was out of town, so my uncle was coming home every couple of hours from work to check on Dale. And if this really was the end, I wanted to see him. I had promised him when I left in March that I would see him again. I meant to keep my word.

Tuesday night I did research on sudden lethargy and loss of appetite in dogs. The results were not good. I began to prepare myself that this could be bad. I spoke with my uncle and booked a flight for the next day, deciding to stay as long as I possibly could since I had upcoming pet-sitting engagements starting on the 24th of June. I hoped to have a week of time with my beloved dog and make plans as necessary for his future. I realized I would also most likely be saying good-bye.

Wednesday I received a happy text from my uncle stating that Dale had eaten at lunch and seemed to be “back to his old self.” I was relieved and headed to the airport.

Though I had planned on working on a writing project while on board, I could not concentrate on anything other than praying that Dale would be OK, and for strength.

I arrived around 5:30 p.m. into the blazing Arizona heat. My uncle picked me up, and almost immediately he told me that the latest news he had was not good. He had checked in with Dale two times during the afternoon. The first time he was astonished to find Dale outside in the backyard. He called everyone he knew, but no one had stopped by the house to let him out (and not let him back in). He had somehow managed to squeeze through the doggy door (sized for schnauzers) in order to make it outside to go to the bathroom. The evidence laid right outside the door. And it was messy. The second time my uncle checked in, right before picking me up, an awful stench reached his nose when he unlocked the door. This time Dale had not been so lucky to make it out before having an accident. And there had been blood.

I began crying.

When we got to the house, we walked in to a chorus of barking. Dale did get up and raced toward me, obviously happy. He nuzzled me and licked me, but he did not do the Dale “happy dance” of jumping around in circles that is his usual welcome. He wagged his tale and I pet him rigorously, but soon he laid down on the doggie bed they’d set up for him in the middle of the kitchen, the room he had recently been quarantined to in case of any future accidents.

My cousin and her kids were there and happy to see me, and we had pizza and shared many hugs, but my mind was obviously centered on my own furry child, who had clearly lost weight in the past 3 months and had slowed down considerably. It broke my heart. But I was so happy to be with him.

My uncle and I spent the evening trying to keep an eye on him in case we needed to hurriedly help him up to get out the door to go to the bathroom. Only once did he have to go, and he did make it outside. But he stumbled along to the grassy corner to do his business, not galloping, as was his usual pace. I discussed difficult matters with my uncle, who had had a number of dogs pass away, all of whom had symptoms similar to Dale’s. We decided to see what happened during the night and go from there.

Though my uncle set up a bed in the kitchen, I chose to lie on a blanket with pillows directly next to Dale on the floor. I wanted to be as close as possible to him, to comfort him, to hug and pet him. I spooned him and reminded him of how it was like when we were camping for all that time and cozied up in the tent together. Eventually he relaxed and settled into my arms with a sigh.

He dozed for a short while. I could tell because he was dreaming. His paws batted at the air as he chased dream flies and ran through fields or up paths, all things he used to do, all things he no longer seemed to be able to. But most of the night he was awake, panting, breathing heavily, eyes open, letting me pet him and hold his paws.

He did get up a couple times, with great effort, to go to the bathroom. I followed him outside with a flashlight. Once he came back but wouldn’t lie back down. He just stood there, looking at me, not moving. I rubbed under his chin and tried to get him to return to his bed. Instead he slowly walked toward the staircase that led to my aunt and uncle’s room, the room he had been staying in at the foot of their bed after he realized I was not coming back so quickly and stopped lying in the room we had shared. I think he was trying to say good-bye.

Eventually I did get him to lie back down. As I stroked his fur, newly shaven so he could be cooler in the Arizona heat, the tears flowed from my eyes. “I love you, Dale. You’ve been the best dog ever. We sure have had a lot of fun times!” Eventually, I brought myself to say, “You can go now. It’s OK, buddy. You can go.”

When my uncle came down at 6:00 a.m. to feed the dogs and get ready for work, Dale’s eyes were open but he did not make any effort to get up. I continued to stroke him, and told my uncle I would call him if anything happened. We both knew that something probably would. It was only a matter of time. His system was shutting down.

For the next couple of hours I talked to some friends who’d been through the loss of a pet, prayed, wrote in my journal, talked to and hugged Dale, and cried. I did get him to eat some chicken and a couple pain pills. Then he laid back down. And I called my uncle and told him to call the vet.

I do not wish to share the details of our final moments together here, but I will say that Dale was able to walk to the car and into the vet’s office with a wagging tale despite the pain he was experiencing. I talked with the vet about the recent developments and was told that it was indeed serious, probably either liver disease or liver cancer, and that there was no treatment short of hospitalization. And that he was suffering. And that it would be the kind thing for me to do.

So it is that on the morning of June 17, 2010, my dearest friend and companion for the past 10 and a half years, on this earth for 11 and a half, passed on peacefully and with dignity. He knew he was loved, and his heart held adoration for many. I did feel a warm rush and almost queasy feeling rush through me shortly after he relaxed and laid down his head for the last time, and I’d like to believe it was his soul galloping off into a great dog park in the sky. And I hope that someday we will be able to take walks again together.

He most certainly lived a great life, one that began on the green mile in an animal shelter and ended after a period of living the life of retired luxury in Arizona. I am beyond thankful that we were able to spend our last year together having such an incredible cross country adventure, and that I was there to kiss him good-bye. Many people have said, “Maybe this is why your trip to Thailand was delayed,” and I’d have to agree. I am so happy that I was here with him instead of on the other side of the world, and that I have the time to cry and mourn and the family and friends around me to help me through it.

Dale was a very special guy, as all who met him can attest. I was blessed to have him with me for so long as such a loving, loyal character. I miss him so much and always will.

Why?

Why has it been so long since I’ve blogged?

It’s not that there has been a lack of activity or adventures. Subject matter abounds.

I guess I am confused. And shy.

I know that sounds funny, but I have had so much to report, but being in once place – psuedo stable – has made me think my story is less interesting?

Then again, the processes I have been going through are so intense it’s sometimes hard to write about.

SO…I am back. Here and on my other blog. I apologize for being absent. Please stay tuned.

Big News

I’ve been thinking about returning to my old blog to write because I feel more inspired to write there. It’s the Sagittarius in me, I guess, that likes the recognition and feels rewarded for being known versus being anonymous. But there are things that I don’t want my family to know.

Such as:

http://cnn.com/video/?/video/ireports/2010/04/24/irpt.arwa.lila.thailand.cnn

So much to say

I apologize that the first thing that I post after an absence is the following, but I find it depressing:

< http://news.bbc.co.uk/go/em/fr/-/2/hi/uk_news/8604625.stm >

I find this horrible depressing, as a SCRABBLE nerd who has spent years finding words to score that did NOT include names such as Beyonce, Rhianna, and even simpler forms, such as Justin.

Or even Greta.

The point is that you need to come up with intelligent answers that are NOT names.

I am saddened.

However, this is yet another example of the dumbing down of our standards.

On the Road Again

As I figured would happen, I left with many tears being shed by not only myself but my cousin and her kids and my aunt and uncle.  Dale was inside barking like crazy.  I had said my tear-stained farewell to him earlier in the day.  I cried as I left Phoenix. But the nervousness and sadness began to melt away as I made my way along Interstate 10 towards California.

I drove a good eight hours the first day so I could make it through LA traffic on a weekend and have less of a haul the next day.  I stayed the night in a Ramada Express in Bakersfield, CA Sunday night.  I really missed Dale’s company and kept thinking I needed to let him out or that I heard him panting.  But it was just me, in a motel room alone, somewhere in Southern California.

I didn’t sleep so well and woke up quite early at 5:00 a.m.  After looking over my map for the thousandth time, I hit the road again.  I drove through orange groves and dairy farms until I began to ascend towards King’s Canyon.  The scenery was gorgeous and the drive exhilarating with all of its twists and turns.  There was no chance of my falling asleep behind the wheel.

Once I made it into the park, there was a ton of snow and I discovered that most of the scenic drives were shut down for the winter.  I was able to see the world’s largest living organism, General Grant’s tree (a giant sequoia) and took a brief hike through a sequoia forest.  then I drove through the 8+ foot high snow tunnel carved out by giant snow trucks to my overnight destination at Montecito Sequoia Lodge.

The stay included food and activities, which was nice because the room itself was really dumpy and the hallway leading to it smelled like puke.  It was old and dingy, but the food was decent.  I went to bed early and woke up at 8:00 (gasp!) the next morning, had breakfast, and went for a cross country ski around a frozen lake on the property.  I had attempted to take another intermediate route to a view point, but the trail was very icy and after a severe wipe out, knowing I had many hours of travel ahead of me and a ticket to Thailand, I decided to take the safe route and hit the easy trail.

After my morning exercise I packed up and headed out.  The drive from King’s Canyon to Yosemite took me through more orange groves and budding trees and wound its way up and down through hills and valleys.  I was able to coast in neutral for many downhill miles and made it to my destination in three hours.  I found the drive to be quite fun with all the hills and twists and turns, but it was also scary at points.  Thankfully the weather was perfect and I made it safely to the hostel where I’m staying tonight, Yosemite Bug.  I’ve already checked into the coed dormitory and selected my bunk for the night.

I’m actually scheduled to stay here two nights, which might be overkill since I have already seen most of the accessible parts of Yosemite today.  I drove what routes I could, stopping to take pictures at numerous locales, and am now at the fancy Awaynee Lodge for a glass of wine and to use their internet access — similar to what I did so many months before in the Tetons.

Though Yosemite is glorious, from what I’ve seen so far it still cannot compare to Glacier, which is my #1 favorite scenic spot so far.  Don’t get me wrong, this is beautiful, but not as fantastic. Then again, I got lucky in Glacier so I might be looking at the memory of the Park through lust-filled eyes.

There are plenty of things to do at the “Bug” if I so desire, along new-age lines:  a soaking tub, Reiki therapy, vegan food, etc.  You have to pay for the services, though, so we’ll see.  It will be nice to rest for a couple days before hitting the road once again.  I will use the time to do more writing, how about that!  :)

The next stop is Lake Tahoe, then I am Portland bound!  Will most likely stop somewhere between the two points since I would arrive really late otherwise (it’s a 10 hour drive) but I will play it by ear and mood.

My aunt and uncle said Dale is looking for me but is eating and seems to be doing fine.  I miss my buddy very much but am happy that he seems to be doing OK.  Again, I am feeling less anxious now that the departure has actually occurred and am getting very excited to be back in Portland for a little over a month before heading out to the next adventure!!!!

And I am extremely grateful for everyone’s good thoughts and prayers.  The Trooper has been running very well and the road trip has been safe and sound thus far.  Dale seems to be adjusting, and life is good.